So, it’s been a week…
Many people are still speculating what a Trump America will look like for the vast amount of minorities whom he has threatened– and it is for the most part speculation, because no one really knows. But I have been living for the past two months in a culture where machisimo has been allowed to run rampant and I can tell you exactly what that looks like.
It looks like obtrusive stares and men going out of their way to follow me as I walk down the sidewalk.
It sounds like cat calls and kissing noises and men yelling over and over “Taxi pretty lady? Miss? Miss you so pretty, taxi for you miss? Taxi? No? Boyfriend? No?”
It feels like sober men going in for kisses and drunk men holding on too tight when they try to show me how to dance, and always always having to be on guard in case it goes further.
On my walk home from school one day I was cat called by every man – age 8 to 55 – that I passed.
I want you to take a moment and think about that. For the duration of 10 blocks down a busy neighborhood street I could not pass a single male without them eyeing me up and down, kissing at me and saying “Que linda”. At one point I was literally boxed in by three of them at once, all yelling at me, asking where I was from, and getting progressively cruder and cruder as I ignored them. Even when I was obviously on the verge of tears, they kept coming. And when I got to the Malecon – my place of refuge – and started crying hysterically, a man came and sat down right next to me. Eleven miles of seawall and some dick decides that sitting next to the sobbing girl is a good idea.
And this is everyday life. The only way to get one afternoon of being treated as a normal, off the market human being is to carry around a boyfriend-shaped bodyguard.
My friend Stephen and I went museum hopping one afternoon and made jokes about looking like the most touristy couple ever. When we got back home at the end of the day I couldn’t figure out why I still felt so happy and energetic. Then I realized that I hadn’t had to fend off a single cat call or obtrusive look for the whole afternoon. Sadly, that realization killed the “happy and energetic” almost instantly.
I can’t imagine what luxury the male students here must have to be able to go out whenever they want wherever they want without first laying on their bed for 20 minutes and deciding if it is going to be worth it to face the world.
I wasn’t going to write about this publicly. I told myself it was just a cultural thing. I told myself to not let them get to me. To just suck it up for another month and a half, enjoy my time and then go home.
Because the thing is they aren’t bad people. They simply live in a society where no one has ever told them “No, you can’t do that.”
And one week ago we also failed to say “No, you can’t do that.”
And I’m not just talking about him. I’m talking about all of the rape cases which have been ignored or turned into a media spectacle. I’m talking about every disgusting music video, every time a female boss is called a bitch. I’m talking about every time I’ve been asked if I have a boyfriend yet when I come home from school. Do you realize how infuriating that is? To have your entire life reduced to what man in is in it?
Because it’s not just Cuba, far from it. I was in Seattle once and I saw some young hipster types doing product photography at a café. I was just finishing my internship doing the same thing and so I screwed up my courage and went and talked to the head photographer. We exchanged contact info and he messaged me that afternoon with links for the agency he was working for. Then, in the next message, he asked if my blonde girl friend whom I had been sitting with that afternoon was available. He’s at least 30 and she was 19. I shut him down and didn’t talk to him again.
And this was in Seattle. Seattle. The hipster “feminism” capitol of the world. I couldn’t even flip him off the way I wanted to because he was a business contact and I might need him later on.
Most of these things are things I have never talked about before, or only with those people closest to me. Which means I’m just as much a part of the problem as anyone else. Because by staying quiet, by ignoring the problem I am also failing to say “No, you can’t do that.”
But I’m not going to do that anymore.
I know that most people who read this blog will be my conservative friends and family, who voted for Trump, and who live in an insulated bubble of society where things like this are ghost stories of what happens “out there”. And that’s fine. I don’t blame you for that. But I’m telling you emphatically now, these things do happen and they are happening to me.
Of course I was looking forward to seeing the first female president of the United States, but there’s not anything we can do about that now. Donald Trump is a disgusting individual willing to reduce the hand of the government to a size he can conveniently use to grab a pussy with, but we’re stuck with him.
So the question remains, what are you going to do about it? Whether you are a Republican voter tired of being called a sexist or whether you are a woman tired of being the subject of sexism, we all suffer from the same problem: complacency.
So the next time you hear someone tell a joke that makes you cringe, or the next time you look at a woman in a leadership role and wonder if she can really do it, or the next time you get asked when you are going to settle down and start a family, take a moment and think to yourself “No, you can’t do that.”
And then say something. It might be scary, it might be hard, it might fell useless or redundant or unneeded. But I do not want to see my country reduced to the level where young women like me have to habitually wonder if it is worth it to step outside their door. We are better than that. And I’m not going to let some tangerine man from the dark ages make me doubt that for one moment.
Kesia Lee 
Thank you for sharing this beautifully written reflection. You are right, and hopefully many of us will find the courage to stand up and say something.
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This is terrific work. You have such a strong voice. And you’re right – we all have to speak up, now more than ever.
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Kesia, I am so proud of the woman you have become. It sounds from your blogs that you are compassionate and others centered. I echo your thoughts about my wish for the next president to have been a woman, I was so very disappointed that people voted fora bully among other things. Your statement, “they are not bad people, They simply live in a society where no one has ever told them ‘you can’t do that” should be a wake up call to all of us. A friend taught me that silence equals consent, something I have been far too guilty of. Thank you for speaking up, setting an example for the rest of us. My hope is for a better world for you, Julie and all women.
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“Many people are still speculating what a Trump America will look like for the vast amount of minorities whom he has threatened”
I see people write or say things like this, and I still haven’t figured out what they mean. When asked, I’ve yet to find someone who can name a single thing that Trump has threatened to do carte blanche “to minorities.” Can you be the exception? I know he’s threatened to send people back to their country of origin of they are here illegally, but that’s independent of race. I know he’s also threatened to stop immigration from dangerous parts of the world where people think the machismo behavior you described is the norm (e.g., the rape of reporters Lara Logan and Sara Corner in Tahir Square) and where killing westerners is a good thing because they are westerners (e.g., 60% of the most populous Muslim country trusted Osama bin Laden to “do the right thing in world affairs” after 9-11). I’m just not seeing all the threats that other’s see.
“Eleven miles of seawall and some dick decides that sitting next to the sobbing girl is a good idea.” and “Then, in the next message, he asked if my blonde girl friend whom I had been sitting with that afternoon was available. He’s at least 30 and she was 19. I shut him down and didn’t talk to him again.”
These are ambiguous situations, as you describe them, especially the guy sitting next to you. Perhaps he was concerned and wanted to be around but didn’t want to insert him into the situation? I could easily see myself doing something similar because I was concerned but didn’t want to impose myself. Does that make me a “dick?” As you describe it, there is little to condemn him other than your animosity and your experiences with other guys. Also a 10+ year age difference was historically very common for marriage (e.g., Mary and Jospeph, Laura Ingalls and Almonzo Wilder). Probably, given that you live in Seattle and not in Amish country or among people where marriage minded men are common, he is a slimeball, but that stems less from the age difference than from the toxic dating culture common in extremely secular Seattle.
But what can we blame for the toxic dating culture of western cities like Seattle? I was really disappointed to see what happened to a fellow church small group member who moved to Seattle, became a CEO and now brags about how easy it is to bed women. He’s a proud player and his worldly success has made the game easy for him, probably not Trump easy, but still very easy. Women see his success and want his attention. It isn’t hard for him to manipulate them into bed. I think it’s sad and doubt that he has much lasting joy in his life, but that’s the bag of goods the world sold him on, and he gets a heck of a lot more money, news stories, and general acclaim than I do. Seriously, who would believe me if I said that I have more lasting joy and happiness than womanizers like my old smallgroup member, Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? They are the one’s living the life of “happiness” and “success” sold to us by movies and TV shows, not me. Until popular culture changes in the values they promote, things aren’t going to change.
“the next time you look at a woman in a leadership role and wonder if she can really do it, or the next time you get asked when you are going to settle down and start a family”
I do both of these on a regular basis with men: why should women get special treatment? Regarding the first statement, do we really want to live in a world where we can’t ask if the people in charge really have the skills to lead the company or group? At my company the percentage of women in management roles far exceeds the percentage of women they manage. A lot of that stems from my field being engineering, the average woman being far more adept socially than the average man, and my company valuing flexibility which helps attract and retain women who would otherwise leave after having a child. My current department lead is a woman who worked part-time for years until her husband got cancer and she stepped back into the workforce full-time. (As an aside, women who want to go into management should seriously consider getting into engineering because the competition and game are rigged in their favor).
Regarding the second statement, do we really want to live in a world where males can extend their adolescence into their late 20’s and early 30’s, playing video games, never being concerned with settling down and having a family, and never being challenged on it? I don’t. Life’s harder and a lot less happy when people extend their adolescence into their 30’s. I’ve spoken about this at length with many people such as a coworker who is over 40 and just now having his first kid. He doesn’t want his new baby to make the same mistakes he did when he was young. That said, personally, I think that when it comes to marriage the questions are more appropriately addressed to men because of the supply and demand imbalance. A man of good character will almost never have trouble finding a good woman to marry, unless he lives in a place where a toxic form of feminism has ruined most women, but the same cannot be said of women. When I was young, I had numerous options of beautiful, holy women to court/marry. It is a rare woman who can say the same. Given that’s the case, those comments are typically better addressed to men, but I’d hate to live in a world where they can’t be asked. Popular culture doesn’t encourage healthy forms of male/female engagement, and sometimes cultural assumptions should be challenged. Susan Patton’s Daily Princetonian letter was famous for doing just that on the female side of things. There are big picture questions that we should be thinking about, and forbidding discussion for fear of hurt feelings doesn’t help anyone when we are clearly living in an era of unhappy male/female relations. Older people see young people making decisions en masse that seem to be leading to less happiness, especially for women. Is it wrong to question that?
http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424127887324020504578394791283850654
Click to access dp4200.pdf
Overall, you’re a very good writer, and I really enjoy your reflections. I hope my critique doesn’t discourage you from doing that but instead encourages you to think more deeply about the subject matter you are writing about.
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